How to Navigate Your Divorce with Compassion

I had to smile when I saw this sticker on a nurse’s locker at work. People trying to get through a divorce could use this same motto. Divorce is undeniably one of the most emotionally challenging experiences a person can go through. The dissolution of a marriage (either a legal marriage or an emotional one) can bring forth a torrent of emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, and confusion. How can you get through it without either losing yourself in an effort to keep the peace, or harming the other person or your kids in an effort to protect yourself? It is possible to navigate divorce and manage the complex emotions that accompany it with empathy and understanding. Spoiler alert: Yes, it sounds simple. No, it’s not easy. Yes, you can do at least some version of this, which is enough.

1. Self-Empathy

True healing and growth begin with self-empathy. When facing a divorce, it is crucial to turn inward and acknowledge your own feelings without judgment. This means recognizing your emotions without labeling them as “right” or “wrong.” By taking a moment to truly understand and accept your own feelings, you can start the process of healing.

Practice mindfulness and self-reflection during this challenging time. Find a quiet space, close your eyes, and breathe deeply. Allow your emotions to surface without resistance. Whether it’s anger, sadness, or fear, give yourself permission to feel these emotions without trying to suppress or deny them. Remember, self-empathy is not about justifying your feelings, but embracing them as a natural response to the situation. Write a short journal note afterward to externalize and concretize your feelings. Even a brief list of the primary feelings you noticed will work.

2. Empathizing with Your Ex-Partner

One of the core principles of empathy is understanding others, even in the face of conflict. When dealing with divorce, this concept can be challenging, but it is essential for the healing process (if you’re not there yet, don’t worry – the next section is for you!). Try to understand that your ex-partner is also going through a difficult time filled with their own emotions, fears, and insecurities.

Listen actively when communicating with your ex-partner. Instead of focusing on blame or accusations, strive to understand their perspective and needs. Ask open-ended questions to encourage honest and open dialogue. By showing empathy towards your ex-partner, you can create an atmosphere of mutual understanding, making it easier to reach agreements and cooperate in co-parenting if necessary.

3. Reframe Your Divorce Narrative

If you find it impossible to empathize with your ex-partner at this time, an alternative step is to simply acknowledge that your stories about them may not be wholly accurate. Don’t worry – you don’t need to share this with them. But consider this reality – no one is omniscient. Our feelings and beliefs, which are heightened in divorce, strongly color the way we perceive and remember information and events. This is true both on the macro level of meaning that we make about a situation, and also on the micro level as our sensory organs take in information about our environment. Our brains conserve energy and time by ignoring or forgetting a lot of the information that bombards us from moment to moment. We are wired to mostly see, hear, and notice what we expect to see, hear, and notice.

One of the clearest biological examples of this is our blind spot – a literal hole in each retina where the optic nerve passes through to connect with the brain. When we look at the world, we don’t see a hole in the middle though. Since each eye’s blind spot falls in a different section of the combined visual field, the brain can take information from the other eye to fill in each blind spot. But even with one eye covered, we do not see a hole in the visual field! This is because our brains use spatial data from the retinal cells around the hole, and temporal data as our eyes move around in the milliseconds leading up to each moment, to generate a prediction about what should have appeared where the hole is. Then our brain simply fills in the hole with that prediction so that our visual field appears seamless. (To “see” your blind spot filling in for yourself, check out this Blind Spot Test.)

Similarly, the majority of our perceptions and memories are heavily colored by our expectations and beliefs. Within a very limited band of attention, we can detect and remember things that deviate from our expectations. However, the majority of our experiences fall in the vast field outside of this narrow focus of attention, and therefore get mapped by our brains as conforming to our expectations. Just having the willingness to internally acknowledge that our stories and beliefs about someone may not be totally accurate and complete can have a powerful and positive effect on our healing, and our capacity to communicate more effectively with our ex-partner.

4. Communicate Effectively

Emphasize the importance of clear and nonviolent communication in resolving conflicts. During a divorce, emotions can run high, and communication can easily break down. However, by applying principles of effective communication, you can foster more effective and respectful conversations.

Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming your ex-partner. For example, say “I feel hurt when I think about our past arguments, and I need closure,” instead of saying, “You always made me miserable.” Be specific about your needs and requests, and be open to hearing your ex-partner’s perspective as well.

5. Seek Support

Divorce can be isolating, and it’s crucial to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. Connecting with others who can empathize with your situation and provide emotional support is essential. Sharing your feelings and experiences with trusted individuals can help you process your emotions and gain valuable insights.

Additionally, consider joining Turning Point, a support group and workshop that focuses on divorce recovery. These resources can provide you with valuable tools and strategies for managing your emotions and navigating the challenges of divorce.

Divorce is undoubtedly a painful and challenging experience, but it can also be an opportunity for personal growth and transformation. Approaching the process with compassion and understanding, both for ourselves and our ex-partners, allows us to emerge from divorce with greater resilience, self-awareness, and the ability to build healthier relationships in the future.